Did you know that a great chunk of our lives is spent living in alignment with beliefs that we have about ourselves.
These are not thoughts we actively think about but old unquestioned assumptions we live by.
One of mine was the belief that I’d never really achieved. I developed this belief system when I was young and continued it into adulthood as I put my own need for self-actualisation aside and focused fully on my family.
By the time my oldest left for University, I believed that I was too old to achieve anything new and shied away from even trying. Fear was the overwhelming feeling.
When I thought about ‘success’, my mind said, ‘that’s not for me.’
These beliefs determined my actions and how I showed up in the world. I looked for every reason I ‘couldn’t’ instead of focusing on opportunity and possibility. It’s as if my brain had made a pact with reality and agreed on a safe outcome.
The beauty of psychological flexibility
What I now know is that it needn’t be a black or white scenario. Our thoughts, beliefs and actions are intrinsically linked and operate best within the construct of psychological flexibility.
Psychological flexibility is about being aware of thoughts and feelings that unfold in the present moment without needless defence, and depending on what the situation affords, persisting or changing behaviour to pursue central interests and goals.
Taking psychological flexibility into account means that we have a choice regarding our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and actions. We have the flexibility to see, challenge and change.
Change begins with one small step
What do you do to actively challenge your own limiting belies? Take the first step.
What advice would you give to someone who was afraid of heights and crossing a rickety bridge? You’d say, ‘don’t look down’. (Of course, if you were me, you’d look down 😉 but that’s not the point.) You’d say, ‘focus on one step at a time.’ And then, ‘well done, you’ve got this. Now focus on the next step.’
In life, we often take the more comfortable option and avoid the brave step. There is as much joy, elation, and accomplishment in completing one small step as there is in ten. Those feelings provide the energy for the next step and leads to the momentum of change.
The ‘one-step-at-a-time’ version of you will begin to realise that you can do it. It doesn’t matter that others appear to be doing the same thing without hesitation. It doesn’t matter how far they are on their journey. What does matter is that you are moving forward toward what matters to you.
Initially, fear may creep in again and replace the feeling of accomplishment. Why wouldn’t it? For me, fear had been part of my operating system for a long time, and it was still the dominant feeling. It may have been attempting to protect. But it was also stifling my growth.
Take the first step. And don’t look down.
This is mental fitness in action. It’s the power of intercepting the fear and focusing on the feeling that goes with that one small step of achievement. Soon the feeling of accomplishment will last longer, and you will be able to intercept the fear a lot sooner.
3 ways to initiate change
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Acknowledge the Fight, Flight and Freeze
Change is not easy. There are all sorts of threats to consider, and our brain has a way of convincing or sabotaging us into believing that change is not worth the risk.
The left side of the brain is involved in survival functions. You need many functions of your survivor brain to handle the day-to-day routines of life. While it is there to protect and keep you safe, an important function, keeping it in the driver seat prevents growth. The aim is to actively demote the survivor brain from running you to being run by you.
In a sense, it’s good to acknowledge it’s importance, thank it for its function and say, ‘I’ve got it from here.’
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Engage with the present
Weakening the strength of the fight, flight or freeze can easily be done by engaging with the present. STOP is such a powerful word. I imagine myself putting my hand out in front of the voices from the survival brain and saying ‘STOP’. The physical action often overpowers the intensity of the feeling.
From this place, ground yourself in the here and now by activating your senses. What do you see around you? Focus on an object? A flower, the sky, something on your desk. Marvel at its beauty, its shape, its contours. Focus on your breathing and is rhythm. Activate your sense of sound. Listen for the furthest away noise and then the sound which closest. Put both feet on the ground, scrunch your toes and then flatten your feet firmly into the floor. Feel the sensation.
Engaging with the present like this quietens the voices in your head and reduces the fear, anxiety or limiting beliefs you may have about moving forward. It enables you to view the first step through a different lens, with a sense of calm and clarity. This is you taking your place in the driver’s seat.
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Practice visualisation.
Just saying you are going to make the change or take the step forward, is not good enough. That thought needs to be accompanied by an action. Visualising what it’s going to feel like after you have successfully acommplsihed the steps is key. In reality, nothing has changed, but your state of mind now says that it’s achievable and that will create the momentum to take another small step. Visualising has the ability to fuel internal motivation.
The goal is to shift your pattern of thinking.
Practice visualisation with the end in mind. What are you going to feel once you have achieved that one thing, or overcome a particuar fear, or completed something you never imagined possible. Sit with that feeling. Feel the emotion. Beginning with the end in mind paves the way for a successful outcome. If you would like to read more about visualisation, I wrote an article which you can read here.
Are there any assumptions that you have about yourself that don’t help you, assumptions that you could perhaps challenge?
What actions could you take to align with the person you aspire to be? Actions that align with your values.
What identity do you want to step into and what’s one small step across the rickety bridge going to be?
